I know it’s been a long time since you’ve seen me other than maybe in passing at Wal-Mart where I probably looked half crazed, slightly awkward and in a hurry.
And I know some of you have requested time together for many months now, with me sending you winky faces on Facebook that yes, I would love that, etc.
But you should know something.
While I’d like to say it’s because I suck at being a friend, I think it’s more than me being the worst friend ever. Like ever, ever.
Honestly, I’ve thought a lot about you. I’ve berated myself, agonized over why I can’t deal with a social life right now and why I am so selfish with my time now. And I’ve come to the conclusion that much like Walter from Fringe, a piece of my brain was cut out to keep me from coming up with some diabolical plan to merge two parallel universes and become a god, but they accidentally cut out my desire to see people instead.
Oh, I kid.
It’s the depression. I know you’re probably Sick To Death of me blaming everything on that, but really, it’s so true. You probably see me chatting it up on social media, posting happy pictures of me and my handsome Austrian and think, right now, I am full of crap.
I like to describe healing from depression as someone putting a puzzle back together. Some pieces click in the big picture right away and some of those damn things get lost in the carpet right before the dog chews it to oblivion. I figure my friendship/social piece either got chewed up or it’s just really lost down there in the funky green carpet.
Also lost is my ability to read a book, think for extended amounts of time, keep the fingerprint smudges off my french door windows, cook a kick ass meal, care about plucking my chin hairs daily and care about the news in the world. Wait…I never really cared about the news in the world. Don’t judge me, it’s just too sad.
Just know that I love you all. Especially the ones who keep trying. I’ll get there. I feel the desire to see other people besides the Austrian and my small humans coming back slowly. I’ve struggled with depression for a long time, and this time, it’s just taking for-freaking-ever for me to find all the pieces to my puzzle. Mostly because some of them are lost forever and the puzzle changed. It’s a good thing.
And? Don’t be mad at me. I will come out of hiding and we can make fun of all the stupid people just like old times.