I know it’s been a long time since you’ve seen me other than maybe in passing at Wal-Mart where I probably looked half crazed, slightly awkward and in a hurry.
And I know some of you have requested time together for many months now, with me sending you winky faces on Facebook that yes, I would love that, etc.
But you should know something.
While I’d like to say it’s because I suck at being a friend, I think it’s more than me being the worst friend ever. Like ever, ever.
Honestly, I’ve thought a lot about you. I’ve berated myself, agonized over why I can’t deal with a social life right now and why I am so selfish with my time now. And I’ve come to the conclusion that much like Walter from Fringe, a piece of my brain was cut out to keep me from coming up with some diabolical plan to merge two parallel universes and become a god, but they accidentally cut out my desire to see people instead.
Oh, I kid.
It’s the depression. I know you’re probably Sick To Death of me blaming everything on that, but really, it’s so true. You probably see me chatting it up on social media, posting happy pictures of me and my handsome Austrian and think, right now, I am full of crap.
I like to describe healing from depression as someone putting a puzzle back together. Some pieces click in the big picture right away and some of those damn things get lost in the carpet right before the dog chews it to oblivion. I figure my friendship/social piece either got chewed up or it’s just really lost down there in the funky green carpet.
Also lost is my ability to read a book, think for extended amounts of time, keep the fingerprint smudges off my french door windows, cook a kick ass meal, care about plucking my chin hairs daily and care about the news in the world. Wait…I never really cared about the news in the world. Don’t judge me, it’s just too sad.
Just know that I love you all. Especially the ones who keep trying. I’ll get there. I feel the desire to see other people besides the Austrian and my small humans coming back slowly. I’ve struggled with depression for a long time, and this time, it’s just taking for-freaking-ever for me to find all the pieces to my puzzle. Mostly because some of them are lost forever and the puzzle changed. It’s a good thing.
And? Don’t be mad at me. I will come out of hiding and we can make fun of all the stupid people just like old times.
Love,
carrieblueberry
Love you, KT!
you never give up on me. i am so grateful for that.
I think that your open honesty about your depression deserves a pat on the back and a big hug.
Thanks Carrie!
I have no idea why this is writing in italics, or how to make it stop. I can so relate to what you’ve just written. My husband tells everyone I’m antisocial, but I’m really not. I’ve just been depressed the whole ten years we’ve been married, and he doesn’t know me any other way. And as hard as I try to persuade him this is not how I really am, I can’t get him to buy it. And I don’t blame him. He only knows what he’s seen. And no, it’s not his fault I’m depressed.
I don’t think it publishes in italics. Hahaha. Anyway your situation sounds tough! I think that is the worst for me when I meet new people and I spend so much time reassuring them about how I used to be. I can only hope he has a lightbulb moment soon that you can’t help how you are. Thank you for sharing that!
Beautifully put. I am just on the other side of that depression. It follows me like a shadow but I’m here to say yes, there will be an end to it. (For me, it coincided with the birth of my second child and coincided with my writing. What is it about books and babies and blues?)
It’s a nasty confusing business and I hate it. Glad to know theres more hope to be had!
I just started following your blog and being able to write an open letter like this to your friends is an accomplishment that you should be proud of. Everyone has their day, some better, some worse, but with good friends, we can all get through anything….together. Hugs!
Thanks. I’d been thinking about it for awhile now. Feels good to get it off my chest.
I bet it does! Honesty is always the best policy.
Depression is never easy. It is heavy and it is unforgiving. I just recently started following your blog, but I’m glad for you. Your progress, and your acknowledgement that there is still more to do makes me feel happy for you, and it gives me hope for my own happiness.
This was a lovely post.
Thanks Elliot. I am so much better than I was and I really believe so many people can benefit from honesty about mental disorders.
Love this! Very nicely put.
Thank you
Your honesty is so admirable. Everyone deserves a space to think. I hope you’ll find my post “Look to You” inspiring, especially the music video. Hope it helps. Keep on writing!
Thanks I will check it out
To be honest, this post is freaking me out a bit, because you’ve written a lot of stuff that goes on in my head. I’m starting to run out of excuses for missing that party or why I can’t meet up for coffee today. I’m completely antisocial at the moment and have been for a while now, to the point where I drop the kid off at daycare and do some grocery shopping and never leave the house otherwise. Maybe it’s time to dig a bit deeper and find the real reason why. Thank you for sharing this.
I honestly did wonder if anyone would relate and once again am rewarded with people who get it. Just another example that we really need to be sharing these things. For me, I know there was a time I enjoyed socializing. Not big time, I’ve always been a homebody. But I know something is different. If you ever enjoyed it and now you don’t, that is a red flag worth looking into.
Hi! I am sorry to learn about your depression and hope it will pass soon. I can send you a few books to help you do self inquiry and introspection and see if they work for you? If not, that is ok too. Meditation does help and so does writing! and you are writing already so that is a good sign! Hope everything works out for you and you get out of depression quick.
I’m actually doing really well most if the time, but thanks!
I know depression – been there myself. I’m watching my daughters struggle with it right now. Have you ever heard of the book Potatoes, Not Prozac? It changed my life, literally. Thanks for the honest post.
I’ve never heard of that. I will look into it!
You write beautifully about depression. I found a fellow blogger, now a friend, who had some of the same symptoms with depression and she has been slowly coming back to life lately as well. Her blog is BabyTamagotchi Bowie. I highly recommend it although she’s been absent lately because she really is coming back to life! And for me, as someone with panic attacks and anxiety, I have the same problem with friends. I push them away, I won’t agree to go out and certainly don’t go out of my way to make time because it scares me, in another way, a way that is me and not who they are. But it’s hard to express that. I also love your photos! Great blog…
Thank you Victoria for the blog suggestion and the kind words. It’s been nice finding out I’m not alone with all these weird feelings!
Wow. I can totally relate. Very well put.