Last night I was talking with a friend about how we each deal with conflict. I’m a passive aggressive/peacemaker and she’s always ready for a fight, yet I have a feeling she would befriend anyone instantly, who is sorry for being an asshole.
Anyhoo, my point is that there’s nothing wrong with either of those things. We are who we are.
I just wonder why it took me so dang long to accept my own duality. I tell people as a joke, that I am a contradiction to myself. But there have been some really rough times because of that extreme nature.
I spent a lot of years trying desperately to be a more consistent person in all my habits and neurosis.
-Do the laundry on a schedule, not just whenever you feel like it.
-Make a meal plan and stick with it. There shall be no free spirited cooking in this house.
-You’re social online all the time, why can’t you make more dates with your friends. You suck.
-If you’re such a quiet person, why do you sometimes talk your husband’s ear off?
-You want to be this unique person, but you still care what some people think about you.
and so on. None of these are a huge deal. But I think introspective people do tend to over analyze themselves to death.
And you know? Life is just too short for that. I get to a point where I just get fed up; angry at the way I’ve talked to myself. Livid with the things I’ve expected from myself.
There has to be a balance inside. An acceptance and harmony with all these different little parts of ourselves. We’ve all grown up with baggage of some sort. At the end of my life, I don’t want to look back and ponder all the mental energy and time I wasted trying to be someone I’m not.
It’s not about all our selves being at constant war with each other. It’s about being ok that we have different selves to begin with.
I’m going to now tell my narcoleptic self to take a nap. And not feel guilty.
(a special thanks to my lovely model Grace)